astrasoul7’s Neighborhood

I realize why I have been working so much this summer: to avoid my own problems. Effexor, Coumadin, Percocet, Vicodin. For people, they become dependent on these pills, erupting at the thought of waiting for a doctor to call back for refill authorizations and spitting cusses when we catch a suspicious prescription. I have always been the bearer of bad news, although at work, I find myself more of a normal person, who usually finds herself doing a good when a patient drops off and picks up his or her medication within the same day. At work, I don't feel as much as the Devil. For the most part, I control things. For the most part, I take and give.

I don't have a best friend anymore. I can't find anyone that I truly like. I lost my scholarship. I could get fired if I ever oversleep again, which probably will happen. Arlene and I are rocky because she says she is jealous of me even though i have absolutely no idea what she could be envious about, but she assures me that I will never know how she feels. I wasn't satisifed with Derrick yet I miss his company at the same time. I gave Jimmy a trial run and got scared.

I am back to square one, wanting the school year to begin so I can just focus on school and start with a clean slate once again.

This journal has been dead for quite a while. Most posts have been made private.
For public posts go to: zunior.livejournal.com (although the majority is friends-only)

as the door closed she hugged herself tightly, shielding her heart from her imaginary villains. frail arms and quivering eyelashes could not keep evil out and it entered her heart, piercing her soul, feeding on her mind.

i used to tell you i love you
where my(love) = love x infinity x infinity
where love = constant
but the math junkie in me secretly refused to accept that flawed equation

now i wonder if it was wrong to have told you a lie

the truth is that
one i dont really love you x infinity (x infinity)
two love is not constant and cannot be equated (let alone measured)

to clarify to rephrase
one i will always love you as much as my entire being allows
two love has its ups and downs but refer to number one

in retrospect all i should have told you was i love you
with no equations no conditions
with no constants no variables

but the math junkie in me secretly keeps in mind
that me + you = love

 
 
- - -

brainfart anyone?

as she danced,
the s t a r d u s t
scattered and fell
        and fell
    and fell.
it seemed gravity
was present
even in her
dreams.

"don't let gravity take its toll," was all he said to me.

at that time i never really understood what he meant so i kept his words in my head in a box marked: "to be forgotten." sure enough when i woke up the following day, they were gone.

now, a year and a couple of months later, while pouring myself a cup of lukewarm coffee, his words reverberated in my mind, like a lost ball looking for its owner, frantically, restlessly. "gravity, huh," i said to him in my imagination, and the imaginary him just shrugged knowingly.

wearily, i set the coffee on my desk, spilling a bit on old reports and my mickey mousepad (it was funny at the time). "it'll clean itself up," i heard myself mumbling to nobody at all while re-reading the email a good friend had sent. she was telling us all about how much she enjoyed her job in that other country; i could see right through her lies. she was homesick and tired and stressed and pressured. i knew her the most.

as if on cue, a messenger window popped up on my screen--another old friend asking if i had read the email. "yeah," i typed, unsure of what to say next. "so, how are you?" i settled on a question. he was fine, he replied, and getting ready for his marriage. congratulations, mandatory oohs and aahs of happiness, couldn't be more happy for you and her. remember that one time when...? hahaha, yeah, i remember, they were...

talking about the past couldn't help but make me smile but soon enough the bitter memories started to catch up. i alt-tabbed to check on my work (or perhaps to distract myself, who knows) and the taskbar lighted up like an ignored christmas light in february. "i'm inviting everyone. you know, everyone. i know we haven't seen each other in the longest time, and until now i don't know what happened to us, but i hope this time, we'll get together... like the old times."

"yeah, well, you can't fight gravity," was the only thing i could say.

she was lost; she was lost. silently, she cursed herself--dumb fuck.

First day of winter holidays. Hoorah!
And I already hold the world. =D
Not really... but I thought this picture turned out alright. ^^
As you can tell, I'm already bored.

Marble

I am, totally, a cool kid. I sprained my foot yesterday after a dumbass attack. I was sitting in my computer chair, mind my own business, when I had a brilliant idea. I jumped out of my chair and charged the door. Unfortunately, I did not notice that my left foot was completely asleep, numb, and non-functioning. I fell back on my ass, and I pissed my foot off severely. I thought I could sleep it off, but when I woke up... I could barely walk to the bathroom. It was purple, and it looked like a troll foot - it was so swollen!  Gross.

Today, I went to the doctor, and I received a prescription for some pain killers as well as a good excuse to sit around for a week. The medicine takes the edge off of the pain, but it still hurts. Whine.

Lately (namely, tonight), I have been obsessed with Clorox Anywhere disinfectant spray. You can spray it anywhere - around kids, pets, and food even. I was tempted to spray it on my cat because he's a dirty bastard, but I refrained for fear of making him sick. It says around pets, not on them, so I'm a little weary.

I'm off to watch some TV in my lovely, loopy state!